ThreeCriteriaForEffectiveDiscipline

THREE CRITERIA FOR EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE
1. Is it respectful?
2. Is it effective long term?
3. Does it teach valuable life skills for good character?
by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., and Cheryl Erwin, M.A.

Is It Respectful?

Adults often assume that children should treat them with respect, but they haven't considered the importance of returning the favor. Teaching by example and modeling are essential for children to learn respect.
Respect is an essential element of all healthy relationships--in marriage, in the workplace, between friends, and between adults and children--and children are most likely to offer respect when it is demonstrated to them each and every day. This is why we advocate discipline tools that are kind and firm at the same time. Kindness shows respect for the child, while firmness shows respect for the adult and for the needs of the situation. In the long term, children learn what they live.

Is It Effective Long Term?

     One of the biggest reasons adults are fooled into believing that punishment works is because it does--for a short time. Children usually stop misbehavior for a while when punished. However, the long-term results usually are not effective. Children are always making decisions (subconsciously), and the decisions they make as a result of punishment usually are not the sort that will motivate them toward confidence, cooperation, and positive behavior in the future. We believe children who are punished make one of four decisions:

   The Four Rs Of Punishment

     1. Resentment: "This is unfair.'
     2. Rebelliou: "You can't make me. I'll do what I want."
     3. Revenge; "You have hurt me and I'll hurt you back.'
     4. Retreat:
          a. Sneakiness: "I won't get caught next time."
          b. Low self-concept: "I'm a bad person."

     Positive Discipline methods are designed long term because they are respectful and because they also teach life skills.

Does It Teach Valuable Life Skills For Good Character?

     Teachers, caregivers, and parents all want children to develop healthy self-esteem. Many programs over the years have been designed to foster self-esteem in children, with varying degrees of success. We believe that there is no better way to develop self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence than teaching and practicing life skills, the real skills and abilities each of us needs to manage life, emotions, relationships, and the myriad activities of each day.
     It may seem insultingly obvious to say, but children are not born with an innate ability to manage their lives. Tasks that may seem easy to adults may be mystifying to young children, and their perception of what things mean can be amazingly different than yours. You know what you mean when you say, 'Let's clean up the art table," but the process can be confusing and completely overwhelming to a preschooler.
     What does discipline have to do with life skills? Well, getting children involved in finding solutions is a sdiscipline method and a great life skill. Teaching children about positive time-out to feel better so they can do better is an excellent life skill. Teaching children to create routine charts is a time management skill they can use all their lives. These are just a few examples of discipline methods that reduce behavior problems and also teach life skills and good character. You are likely to encounter less resistance and defiance when children feel capable and competent and when they possess the knowledge , confidence, and skills to cooperate and contribute. Be sure you take time for training each time you ask a child to perform a new (or even a familiar task. Do the task alongside the child; gradually transfer responsibility over to her.
     Remember, too, that children love to imitate adults. If you get out the vacuum cleaner, you are likely to have havhalf a dozen willing volunteers. A wise person once said that it is easier to tame a fanatic than to put life into a corpse: Instead of telling children they are too little and sending them off to play, Invite them to help you. Give them simple instructions on how a job should be done, and be sure your expectations are realistic. Then let them try and celebrate the results! Young children can usually do far more than adults think they can.
     Learning to view discipline as teaching and finding useful, practical tools to teach children appropriate behaviotr takes a "paradigm shift" in thinking. But you will discover it is well worth the effort.