| GIVE CHOICES Some experts believe that whininess occurs when children feel powerless. Dr. Geraldine Downey, psychology professor at Columbia University, suggests that children be allowed to make some of their own choices, such as what to wear, what toys to bring on vacation, or whether to stay up an extra ten minutes. Pediatrician Dr. Charles Gordon agrees: "Say, 'Look, I know in the past you've been bored at Grandma's house and so you start to whine. If you don't whine this time, we'll go out to eat afterwards, or you can bring this special toy." To curb whining, compromise and give choices without encouraging manipulative behavior. EXAMINE THE REAL CAUSE Other experts believe that whininess can suggest the child is expressing the parents' current dissatisfaction. Some children whine more when there is tension between parents, an inevitable divorce, or when a single parent just doesn't have time to do it all. "The child picks up on the parent's frustration," says clinical psychologist Dr. Asher Kahn. "The kid knows when his parents are unhappy and so he whines." Dr. Kahn emphasizes that whininess, in such cases, is always a sign that the child needs more closeness. "The tricky part is giving more closeness without reinforcing the whining," he notes. USE A BIT OF HUMOR When my friend, Jena Sognari, hears one of her children whining, she asks, "Don't I hear a whine in your voice? Cough it out.' The child coughs the whine into her hand and Jena flings it into the garbage disposal which she then cranks on full blast. "Mr Garbage at the whine. Now, is there something you wanted to tell me?' My husband and I once saw a street performer in New Orleans who gave him an idea for curing The Whines. The performer, dressed up, skin painted gray, and pretending to be a statue, remained completely still, eyes down, one arm bent, the other arm outstretched, until a passerby would place a dollar in her hat. At that moment, she would blink furiously, smile, and take several gigantic bows. "That's it!: my husband declared. "That's how we can cure whininess!' At first, I didn't get it, but a week later I saw my husband pretending to be a statue with our whining five-year-old. When the tone in Jennifer's voice changed to that of a big girl, my husband blinked, came to life, and listened to her. IS BRIBERY THE ONLY WAY? Manhattan clown Silly Billy suggests the best way to cure The Whines is to bribe kids. 'If you stand up tall and stop whining, you'll get an extra balloon animal," he'll say. With older kids, he suggests getting an extra magic trick. "Parents always tell me, 'You came in so handy this whole past month. Whenever he whined, I said, I'm calling Silly Billy and telling him not to come to your party!' They get results! It's not really nice, but bribing may be the only way!" As you can see, the reasons for whining are as varied as the techniques for handling it. For some children, the answer may be simply to ignore. For others, you might use a memorable strategy, and someday you just might hear your own grown child, as a parent, say, 'You know, I just can't seem to hear you right now." And of course, both of you will laugh. |